Twenty-Three and Unraveling
If I had a dollar for every time that I’ve asked myself “why do I feel like this?” ……
I don't know what it is I want but at the same time, I know. I'm trying my best to enjoy and love life and I can honestly say that I am doing much better than I was months ago. I feel different too- in a good way. I recognize all the change and growth going on. I am grateful for that. However, there are times where I can feel the darkness creeping in. I understand-
The tears keep flowing as I try to write this. Oh my.
Sorry, I froze for a moment.
You know after all this self reflection and journaling/writing that I do, I sometimes question if I really am the problem. The problem being everything I feel and what I think and stuff… I question it all. They say we are in control of our thoughts right? Okay, and I know that I am self aware and strong minded. I know this about myself, okay? So yes, I am in control- but who is to say that I am not easily influenced by others? I don't just mean anyone, I'm talking about the people I'm close to and care about. I can say that they definitely have an influence on the things I do/think/feel.
I have a big heart. I love very much. Sometimes too much.
Actually, I don't believe that loving too much is a bad thing. In fact, I see it as a good thing. I love my big heart. I love the way I see the world and I wish others saw it the way I did. Because when I love, oh how beautiful I become. And it just so happens to be my favorite version of myself.
Anyways,
I think I need to be fixed… or maybe I don’t? Who told me this? Because why do I seem to never be “okay” or better yet, why do I always feel like I'm failing?
I am so sad. That stupid emotion never seems to leave does it? Gosh darnit. It's honestly ridiculous- all this sadness you know.
The littles tasks still feel like too much.
That's how I know you’re still here.
I thought I got rid of you but come to find out you were just hiding under my bed. However, it's odd that you chose today to creep out.
Wait–
You didn't just “peek” out today huh? You’ve been creeping, slowly making your way out from under. Because there’s no way you just randomly decided to check in today. Oh no, you came out to play.
Well jokes on you because I’m not up for a fight this time. So I’ll make this round easy for you,
You win.
Again.
A part of me still wants to give up, you know. But the difference now is that I’m presented with so many reasons NOT to give up. Because just a couple months ago when all I wanted was for it to stop, hope was nowhere to be found.
Hope and I had parted ways long before.
Actually, I think it was the furthest I’d ever been away from her. It was crazy because before all this darkness Hope and I were like siblings. She became a part of me. She made me love the world. I have her to thank for always bringing out the best in me. So when we lost each other, that was true heartbreak.
Heartbreak is when you lose a piece of yourself and that's what happened. I couldn’t get out of bed, you know. Food didn’t make me feel good anymore. It just became another chore.
I'm so emotional. I'm all over the place. I wish I could stay on one subject and finish writing about that but that's just never been who I am. I have so much to say and I just write it in the order it all comes out. There's no order, just a mess. A mess that just somehow makes sense.
I look back to all the dreams I once had for my life. Now I'm left wondering if they were ever really mine.
I'm at the point where I don't know but I do know. It somehow just circles back to that sentence. Why can't I just say what I want? I'm scared. Scared of what they'll say. Who's they? I won't say.
I'm a dreamer, yes. I dream of having it all. I dream of happiness and peace. I dream of sitting on green grass and staring up at the green trees. I’m a dreamer of many things. Things that don't necessarily align with the real world. Society– that is.
I feel as if I was handed this rule book and I must follow it or else- suffer the consequences. Maybe it's the pressure of being the first born in your family.
I know I'm not the only one feeling mentally exhausted, but how come I feel like I'm the only one who can't get out of it. For example, I speak to/know many people who are exhausted but they still manage to get all their tasks done. I can't recall the last time I completed a task that I gave my full 100% to. Maybe I just never cared for those tasks that much? Am I lazy? Do I have a short attention span? Who can give me the answers to this?
I write almost everyday because I am constantly learning new things. I am always wanting to grow as a person. I am constantly getting to know myself. I like getting to know me.
I used to think that always thinking and having questions was a bad thing. But I just came to realize that I actually like that about myself. I admire it. Because this makes me always willing to learn. My curiosity is my gift.
I always feel like a bother. I never seem to ask for what I want because I always want to make sure the other person's needs are put first. This isn’t so much of a good thing because then my needs are overlooked. Then I just leave myself feeling overwhelmed because I'm so used to telling myself, “oh everything is fine you’re just overthinking '' I figured out that it isn't overthinking. I know what overthinking is and yes, I do that. But I've started to use my “over thinking” as an excuse to diss my needs. Does that make sense?
I don't want to scroll on social media
I don't want to open my mouth
I don't want to talk
I don't want to smile
I don't want to laugh
I don't want to cry
I don't want to listen to music
I don't want to listen to my podcasts
I don't want to go outside
I don't want to get dressed
I don't want to eat
I don't want to drink water
I don't want to walk
I don't even want to write
But I have to or else I will continue to sit here and deteriorate.
It's crazy how just the other day my chest swarmed with all the emotions, it was like my body had its own tornado, it was overwhelming, I was feeling so much that I couldn't handle it and it was about to explode out of me.
Now I am numb. Just like that. But it was only days ago... then-
Boom.
Food doesn't taste good anymore. I'm not craving anything.
The sky doesn't even make me happy like it used to... It makes me sad.
I look up at the pink clouds and all I can think about is sadness. Sad because I am not up there. I want to hug the sky.
My laptop is about to die but I don't want to get up to charge it.
What is wrong with me-
It's too much to even speak.
Comments
Post a Comment